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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!
I have a cheese-shredder, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy
it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla
chips.
I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone
will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese
on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite.
I bought a doughnut from a store and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut.
Man, I'll just give you money, then you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into
this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't
even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home, in the file... under
D... for doughnut"
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
I used to buy a lot of M&Ms, they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find that if you hand your
friend two aspirin, he doesn't think that you're selfish
At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's the complete opposite. Green
means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win
a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are
right."
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.
I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But
first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I bought a two bedroom house. But it's up to me how many bedrooms I want isn't it? This bedroom has an oven in it. This
bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is AKA a hallway. This bedroom's over in that guys house.
Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. (Whispers) Stay out!
Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherfucker alive. Hey, what kind of glasses are those?
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity
of a fish that I have never seen.
I don't own a mobile phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold
of me, they just say, "Kyle," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll
begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'"
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in.
You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
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